Chris wants to let you know how to give a blow job
so i just woke up from a terrible dream.
on one hand, it was good because it was a sex dream…on the other hand, it was a dream about a girl who couldnt give a blow job to save her life.
this sparked something in me.
a few weeks ago i took a blow job class with a gaggle of amazing chicks because i thought it would be funny, make for a good story and hey, who wouldnt want to be the straight guy in a room full of girls simulating fellatio on dildos for an hour.
the conclusion ive come to is this; most girls give TERRIBLE blow jobs. yes, that probably means you…
but whats funny is when asked, most girls will respond with,
“ooh, i give the BEST blow jobs, i mean, the dudes tell me im the best ALL the time.”…but how can this be when MOST girls give sub-par blow jobs yet you all walk around thinking you’re doing something great. you’re like pizza to boys…because even bad pizza is still PIZZA.
and honey, just because some boy came in your mouth in less than 5 minutes doesnt necessarily mean you were doing ANYTHING right. any boy will be ‘somewhat’ happy if you let him jam his dong in something wet for a couple minutes, DESPITE what “skillz” you think you have.
so what i want to do is set it straight. to let you know what boys REALLY think, just so you dont embarrass yourself the next time you’re patting yourself on the back after you’ve taken a shot to the mouth, all the while the guy leaning back is thinking, “i mean, its awesome that i actually got to cum, but damn if i didnt have to concentrate.”
think of it this way; when i guy goes down on you, how much skill and technique do YOU require?
exactly.
now, just because men are one track, single minded cretans doesnt mean we dont know the difference between a go-bot and a transformer.
first of all, this kissing and teasing around the area.
ok fine, we’ll humor you for a while because we think its cute you think you’re being sensual and all but listen, you have a minute to have that bad larry in your mouth before we start getting frustrated…and NOT in a good way.
i know you’re thinking, “ah, fuck him, he should WANT it, he should be BEGGING to have it in his mouth.” totally understandable, but while you think you’re TEASING him, hes thinking, “are you fucking serious? this girl better have a golden fucking mouth with a 6 inch tongue that can lick my balls while going all the way down on me.” otherwise, this is potential to lose momentum or strength in the erection. both that can cause post lackluster sex.
second, teeth.
you would think the first thing a girl learns while sitting at the lunch room table is the NO TEETH rule.
yeah, you would think…obviously not.
if you’re incapable of taking the sharpest part of your body and razoring it up and down the shaft of the most sensitive pulsating appendage of the male body, dont do it. dont subject yourself to the ridicule and snickers you will hear at your expense once your ‘victim’ has, AND WILL tell every dude within a 3 county area that you, are in fact RETARDED at blow jobs. this is the part in the ‘choose your own adventure’ book where you opened the door to the lair of dragons and you died. cash in your sexuality card right now because i dont know ONE guy out there who will claim a girl is amazing or even GOOD for that matter if shes still pulling amateur 8th grade moves.
third, yes, the head of the penis is a bit sensitive, but not as much as you lollypop suckers would like to think.
put it this way, when guys jerk off, which is the ultimate form of selfish sexuality, have you EVER seen a guy just polishing the tip? no. so why should you? its nice when you need to take a break from the ol’ up and down but if thats your whole technique, go download some jerk off porno, grab yourself a pad of paper and a pen and start taking notes, missy.
which leads us to our fourth main topic, the ol’ up/down.
this is the meat and potatoes of it all. this is where your MAIN focus should be. polish the tip, go to the balls if you need a break (dont worry, we’re getting there) but goddamn i cant stress this more, us watchin you bobbing up and down is one of the most awesome sites a guy can witness. trust me. i saw the grand canyon and got bored after 15 minutes. ive been getting blow jobs since the fucking 80s and i will NEVER get tired of the way a girls lips look wrapped around my wang. truth. how you execute this is personal preference. what i find most guys will agree with is both hands must be involved. simple equation: more hands=more stimulation. we love jerking off, so why not combine our two favorite things; jerking off and blow jobs. are you getting it now? i prefer one hand GENTLY massaging the balls while the other is firmly gripped along the base of the shaft moving in conjunction with the mouth. another small detail ive noticed is pulling the dong down. a penis naturally stands ‘erect’ and most girl want to go ‘up’ to it, not too sure why but when its pulled down (dont break it trying to downshift toward the ground, just a bit more out) its seems to make it that much more intense. get involved, put some spit on that motherfucker (cause theres nothing worse than when some poor girl thinks shes doing an amazing job while you’re writhing in pain from her indian burn cock gobble), commit, look at that motherfucker and think to yourself, “i am going to try and KILL you with this blow job, like chris rock said, “i want a chick to suck my dick like its got the antidote.” .
fifth, ball area.
yes, play with the balls, you have our permission…but i feel you should know a few things. balls are sensitive, huffing them down your throat, sucking with all your might does NOT feel good. that face we’re making isnt one of pleasure, its one of, “holy fuck, theres only a thin layer of skin between potential future children and her gargling on my nuts.” chill out, a little goes a long way. also, while you’re down there keep a hand or two on the dong, he will feel neglected when the attention is diverted from him. the ‘taint’ area (or area between the balls and the ass) is different from dude to dude. you’re moving into sensitive prostate land here, which is fucking amazing but if you get some dude who just took a dump or thinking you getting anywhere near his ass is ‘fucking faggot shit’ well then casually retreat back to the balls. but fuck it, ill admit it, i love getting my salad tossed.
last and absolutely the most important, intensity and commitment.
let me explain it like this; how would you feel if your dude came home from work after a long day and you had made him this wonderful meal and when he walked through the door he responded with a total lack of enthusiasm, “eh, thanks. ill eat later.”
you’d be bummed.
but what if he walked through the door and said, “holy fuck, im dont give a shit if im tired or not, i want to eat the shit out of all this goddamn food.”
youd be stoked and excited.
obviously this works both ways. see, when i go down on a girl its because i HAVE to. because im so compelled that i just have this intense urge to taste her…but if i dont see the same passion and commitment, it will show in your performance. try and fake it all you want, but we can feel the difference. its like the friends episode when rachel made the meat pie and everyone pretended to like it to not offend her, it shows in your conviction and enthusiasm.
so grab that motherfucker like its going to be the last dick you’ll ever suck and pretend you’re on a game show that rewards you with cash and prizes for your effort…because when im going down on you, im planning on winning the goddamn hawaiian vacation.
let me speak on behalf of all guys, please do us all a favor and pass this one on.
please.
